Surviving My Life

Broken Pieces

For those of you reading this post - (I get over 10 hits a day on here, but nobody ever leaves any replies to my posts - that's weird to me.)- you'll notice that there isn't a picture on this post. During the two weeks that I've been posting on here, I've never talked about me. Why? Because I'm a private person. My philosiphy in life is that I can fix my problems myself. Sometimes I'm right, and sometimes I'm not. I've always been able to hide my life behind a veiled curtain. Truly, most people do the same thing - but I'm a much more self reliant person than most people. I've had to be.

When I was growing up, I had braces, glasses, and girls made me nervous. The tag line of "weirdo" really stuck. I basically got made fun of until I was 16. At that point I grew to 6'. Guys stopped messing with me. But I was still a geeky nerd. (I still am today...but I've learned to hide that part of me.) Growing up that way, I learned to never ever leave my personal feelings open for discovery - it wasn't safe. Then, I got to go to college. College was great. I went 6 hours away where nobody knew me. And there - at college - I came out of my shell. A girl went through my closet, threw out all of my clothes, and we went to places I wouldn't go into before - Old Navy, and The GAP, and Ambercrombie & Fitch, and she filled my closet back up with more "trendy" clothing. After that, my hair-style changed too. I went from the 'bowl cut' to the 'short style'.

For once in my life, girls actually paid attention to me. I was amazed.

I came home from college different. I looked different. I dressed different. I even talked different. And when I came back, I met a girl.

She wasn't a normal girl. To me, she was stunning. The most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She talked to me. She actually talked. To me. I was dumbfounded. So we started talking more and more. Pretty soon we were dating. I saw her everyday. I talked to her on the phone everyday. I talked to her online everyday.

For a year.

Then, she left me.

I'd gone through hard things before. But not like this. It was like my heart had been torn completly out.

For six months I never left my apartment except to go to work. I didn't shave anymore. My hair grew long.

So , for the ten or so people who look at this everyday, you're wondering what all this has to do with why I'm posting right now.

I broke up with this girl two years ago. Two years ago she left me. And I still hurt. Every day I miss her, and today is no different. You see, I saw her today.

There she was. In the store where I went to get milk. At first I didn't see her. I walked past her when I smelled something. I looked around, my nose telling me that it was my favorite smell in the world. It was her hair. I will never forget that smell. And there she was. Talking on her cell phone to her dad. Laughing.

And then the feelings were there all over again. I screwed up, and I lost her.

I left the store without buying anything, and without her seeing me.

There's gotta be a way to feel better about this. I'm tired of it.

posted by Jeremiah @ 17:55