Surviving My Life

Jeremiah Without Halo.

For over a year now, I've been the Overlord of the PraetoriaGuard - a Halo 2 Clan that has now grown into a large pillar in the Halo Community.

We started out small, but now have grown into a large entity with three websites, over 1,000,000 visitors, and more.

I wish I could say that devoting so much time to this hasn't taken anything away from me - but it has.

For the first time in my life, I became a leader. Someone that a lot of people looked up to. With support from two friends, we built everything that the community respects.

It's been a strange journey for me. I've done things that I've never done before - i.e., lead. I've always been a follower - someone that stayed in the shadow of my more..."noble" friends. In this case, I had a personal vendetta. I decided I would build something that people at the time probably thought I would never be able to build.

Funny now when I think of it. Building a video game clan to prove something...

I'm such an idiot.

In any case, I went to work. I spent countless hours, days, and weeks doing everything from building templates and desiging logos, to making the videos that everyone enjoys today in the Halo Community. People have even come to me - some much older than me - asking what I did to build what we have. Asking me what it takes to be a good leader.

Asking me. ME! It makes me laugh. Me of all people...If they only knew...

It made me step back and look at what I'd done. Take a look at what I'd built. I realized that in building my clan, I built friendships, and took it from there.

I treated everyone like they were my friend, and in some instances, more than a friend - a brother to me. I can remember countless nights sitting on Xbox Live with my headpiece on talking to these guys - about problems they were having, things they were going through, and being able to pull out things from my past where I screwed up - and telling them "You know...I tried this. Not such a good idea. You should try this..."

I am proud of what I've built, but after so much time I've started to realize that I needed to be without Halo for awhile. Be without my clan. Be without "LordGideon", my alter-online-ego.

Running what we have with over 100 clan members (2 clans), 4 websites, 7 videos, and a community of over 5,000 people takes some effort.

I needed a break. I haven't enjoyed playing Halo for some time now. Just getting "on" to play...jeepers. I haven't done that in so long. I'm always messaged by 100 people "Come play with us!".

So, I'm on break. I've removed the mantle that I so proudly wore as a mark of achievement in my life, and it's waiting for me - whenever I decide to come back.

I don't know when I will. I don't know when the day will come that I get back on and become my alter ego again - I just know that for now I need to be without it.

Right now it's Day Two. I haven't turned my Xbox on in two days.

Gosh. Two days without Halo. Without the PraetoriaGuard. Without LordGideon.

It's weird for me - and, at the same time, liberating. Nobody's calling to ask me questions. I don't have to be a leader. I don't have to have all the answers right now.

I did get an email from one of my clan members, and, in case this blog is found by my clanmates, I don't want them to know who sent it, so I will omit his name.

LG -

i just wanted to tell you that even though youve been gone 4 only 2 days now we already miss you. i believe that you saved my life and you changed the majority of us from who we once were. you helped me see that anger isnt allways the solution and helped me out w/ my family problems. in a lot of cases you were the only one i felt safe enough to call or trusted. and you never complained once all those times i called u at 3 or 4 in the morning. most of all you prayed with me and made sure i knew that god loved me. i know that i dont believe what you believe, but seeing the faith you have has made me think a lot about god and who he is.

n any case a bunch of us are in a room talking about you and hope you do come back to us. none of us would be where we are without you and cant imagine the PG minus our buddy lordgideon. we look forward to the day you come back to us.

After reading that, I didn't know what to say.

I'm going to have to go back one of these days. Probably in a few weeks after I get some time off, and time to be myself again. It's been ages since I played a computer game, or read a book.

Oh....wait. The weather's warm out...I think I should go wax my car...

posted by Jeremiah @ 00:07